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Is doing this sucking your energy? If so, here are 4 simple steps to cut it out.

I used to have this thing where I really wanted everyone to think that I had it all together — you know, that I was perfect.

During this same period in my life (because real life is, indeed, often like a novel, full of perfect irony and poetic justice), my credit card debt was mounting. And not only did I not want to know the grand total myself (and therefore avoided adding up my balances), I also didnt want anyone else to know that I had any debt at all.

I was super afraid of knowing the truth myself and most especially afraid of others knowing it.

Heres the thing:

twitter_standingTrying to hide things sucks your energy.


Spending time and energy trying to look like youre perfect is exhausting.

This is not news to anyone, but it bears repeating — and possibly tattooing on our foreheads (or at least writing on our mirrors in red lipstick :)

No one is perfect. And no one expects you to be either.

Plus, when were busy pretending that were perfect were also simultaneously making another serious error:

We dont ask for support.

This has three consequences, all of which are doozies: 

 We keep people at arms length and never give them the honor of truly knowing us — flaws and all.

  1. We keep people at arms length and never give them the honor of truly knowing us — flaws and all.  We dont ever get to experience true intimacy.
  2.  We dont ever get to experience true intimacy.
  3. We dont get the help we need to create the lives wed really like to have.

I could have paid off my debt a heck of a lot sooner if I had skipped a few years of hiding and instead:

a)     faced the music and admitted, even just to myself, that I had a problem, and

b)     told someone else the truth and asked for support.

Ultimately, I did do both of these things and they made ALL the difference in the world.

When were honest about our imperfections and let the people in our lives in on them, we not only allow ourselves to relax into the freedom of being human, we also give everyone else permission to be all of who they are. And then we all get to be all of us, together. Its awesome.

The biggest myth out there is that vulnerability and asking for help show weakness.

Heres the truth:

twitter_standingOur true power lies within our vulnerability.


Do you have something youre trying to avoid or hide from yourself or others?

Heres a prescription that will lighten that load really quickly:

1. Out yourself to yourself. Tell yourself the truth about where you are (with a really big heap of love).

2. Allow yourself to feel how scary being imperfect and vulnerable feels. 

3. Let someone whos safe see your vulnerability.

4. Ask for support.

When we cross over to the other side, I dont think anyone is giving out awards to the people who appeared the most perfect during their lifetimes. So we might us well just give it up now.

And when you do give up your perfect act and finally ask for some help, you free yourself and you free everyone around you too. (Chances are good you havent been fooling them anyway.)

Drop the act and take a stand for being human. 

Over to you:

Is there anything in your life youre avoiding or trying to hide? Are you ready to tell yourself the truth and then ask someone for help?

Tell me about it in the comments below so I can support you in setting yourself free.


  • I am so grateful that I am open and honest with myself about where my flaws are and if I am having a significant problem, somewhere, with something, I address it in a way that feels effective. I do this with *huge* amounts of love, and a wise, parenting self. I realize that taking steps to make adjustments is another way of stepping back into alignment with Source energy. I also ask others for help or support if I feel I need to. What a relief to unburden oneself!

  • This is so timely! I am newly married and brought a bit of credit card debt into the picture. It wasn’t a horrendous amount so I didn’t think I needed to share it with my husband. My debt, my problem was my thinking.

    Since moving to a new town/starting a new life, I haven’t had a stable income. It’s been challenging to make payments and yesterday I was having a bit of internal freakout about my finances. My husband knew something was off and so I finally told him about my financial anxiety. He said he could help but I brushed it off.. embarrassed to accept it.

    This post gave me the courage to actually ask for the help and support he offered. Thank you so much for all you do! So glad I found you :)

  • jan

    yes I hid the eating of candy and other sweets.this is getting in my way . it is a waste of energy and an energy zapper. oh how to stop. having much trouble keeping this out of the house. I do feel much better off sugar. help

    • Jan – I TOTALLY get this! It’s so hard to say away from those sweets, but amazing and energizing when you kick the habit. First, allow yourself to indulge once in awhile – nothing should be off limits! Second, stock up on healthier sweet choices – fresh fruit, sweet potatoes (my personal secret weapon), and nut butters are my go-to. Seriously, throw some cashews in your food processor… you have no idea how good a spoonful of cashew butter is!

  • This came at such a perfect time! I totally resonated with me. Yes I’m hiding my financial woes that I’ve gotten myself into. In an effort to try to learn so much and become a successful multi passionate entrepreneur, I acquired so much debt that I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a pickle purchasing so many online worthwhile programs (hoping they’d be the cure to my financial woes). I’m in my mid 20s and I’m not taking the right responsibility for my life the way that I should regarding my finances. I so desperately want to be further than I am, and ego wise feel like I should be with all my talents. But alas I am finally understanding divine timing and need to understand that there is no “behind” in life and achievements. So now it’s time to take responsibility and make some serious changes. It takes time and patience I’m learning. One of my life lessons I think. But thank you Kate for sharing! I got your book and can’t wait to dive in after this week in Bschool. :)

  • I have physical limits. Disabled with a broken neck and closed head injury and I try to do too much. Love being with my spiritual group and had a great time but physically I am out of it and having a very hard time today Many of the facilities where these events are held are SOOO inaccessible to anybody who is not a white male 25 year old able bodied person without kids. I am planning on being more careful about where I go so that I don’t pay the price later with my body. I had to call my meditation group and wish them well but tell them I could not make it.
    I’m going to rest up and sleep a lot.

  • Rhiannon

    this came at a really good time. thanks. I knew that perfectionism was about trying to avoid judgement, rather than trying to do a good job – but I just dont always remember. In 2 weeks I am attending a family wedding. I am absolutely dreading going and being in contact with all these people. DREADING IT!! Why? because I view my cousins who are slim, have kids, are married – as having their life together. I view them as having what I want – slim, committment, family (kids). I fear their judgement (which they do do, but probably only because of their own fears). I havent seen them in ages. I JUST PREFER HIDING. I feel exposed when not hiding.
    BUT now that I have ‘outed’ myself thanks to your post – and the block has moved a bit – and I can now hear my loving intuition flooding in and that’s a good thing. I will also share this fear with my cousin who I actually want to see. i can already feel myself relaxing.

  • Sue

    Since becoming a single Mum I have gradually turned my life around over the last 10 years – becoming a more grounded and supportive Mum, starting a business from scratch that can now support my teenage kids and allow myself to be home with the kids when they are not at school, and being a more real and honest version embracing all of the things that make me so different from my family and friends.
    While so many people celebrate my success, there is a part of me that stays hidden from most – my fear of failure, my anxiety about the future, my credit card debt, how much money I have wasted on the way to embracing myself and from the guilt of having my children raised by a single parent ,the days I just want to stay in bed and the amount of time I waste in avoidance and procrastination.
    Thank you so much for giving the opportunity to write about it and “letting it out into the world”. It feels safe, and your message inspires such courage and the push for change.

  • Grace B

    Lately I have been beating myself up about how I spend my money — I know I want to spend it one way, but I’m just not quite there yet.

    I regularly remind myself, that I’m trying to change a habit that I have had for a looooooooong time and it won’t happen over night!

    I’m practicing being more loving and patient with myself.

    That really helps me get clear on what I want.

    Thanks for this Kate!

  • Having those people in your life (like my boyfriend and my mother) that can share and support you during the scary times is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to me. Without them, I would have never started my own business and would have never seen it through from all the different highs and lows – and everything in between! Thanks for the reminder that we are all human and always have something to learn! You are great! xo


  • Took me a while to read this one, but it was PERFECT!

    I definitely try to be perfect and it is exhausting. I end up doing so much on my own and I feel like people can’t help me because I should have all my things lined up. I feel people see me as so “this and that” that I try to fulfill expectations and forget to be real about who I am sometimes.

    Thanks for the reminder Kate!

    Melissa ;)

  • I can totally relate to this! About 5 years ago, my life was totally miserable – I was working 60-80 hrs/wk, living off of pizza delivery and Starbucks, my marriage was falling apart, and I was wasting hours (and lots of money) at happy hour. I couldn’t admit to anyone how badly I felt for a really long time. But, once I came clean with myself first and my support network (husband, mom, & best friend) things instantly got brighter and I started to see a path out of it all. Love the tips, Kate!

  • Jeri

    Hi Kate.

    Thanks for this post. I finally had the courage to add up the grand total of money I owe and DRATS, it wasn’t as large a sum as I had imagined all these weeks. That imagination really drained me. Plus me wanting to hide my flaws made things worse.


    Now I have a sense of relief and can now put my focus and energy on creating a solution for myself.

    :-) am excited in my freedom journey again.

    Thanks a million!

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