Prince Charming isn’t coming…is he?

I quote Barbara Stanny saying, “A man is not a financial plan,” in almost every one of my workshops. And yet the other day when I was having an incredible craniosacral healing session with Melanie Ericksen and she got all my chakras in order and buzzing, she asked me a question as she cradled my head. The theme of our session was on releasing any blocks to romantic partnership. The question was, “Is it important for you to be with a man who’s a provider?” And the “yes” that came through my body was so crystal clear that I surprised myself.

So the question is, why is this important to me? Why is it important to any woman? I can only speak for myself to answer this question, but I have a feeling that the deep part of me that wants to be provided for is probably strikingly similar to that deep part in any woman. So, again the question, why is being with a man who is a provider important to me? Honestly, on a purely intellectual level it seems silly. I am more than capable of making money. In fact I’m really good at making money and I always have been, ever since the days of selling lemonade and babysitting. I have a career that I love. I have a very strong (sometimes too strong) masculine side that supports me in getting ‘er done, making plans, going after things, and fueling my ambition. I have a great sense of direction. I’m pretty handy around the house. I’m really good at fixing plumbing.

So given that I am fully capable of providing for myself and I have no doubt in my mind that I’ll continue to be able to do so with increasing levels of abundance as I get older, what’s with the provider desire? There is a part of me that simply wants to be taken care of. As much as I teach about the importance of women’s financial independence and literacy (which I TOTALLY believe in and stand for) there is a part of me that wants someone (preferably a handsome man) to take care of it all for me. Yes, it’s true, on some level I’m waiting for my Prince Charming. Barbara Stanny wrote a fantastic book called Prince Charming Isn’t Coming: How Women Get Smart About Money and I confess that I haven’t been able to get through more than the first twenty or thirty pages despite having read both of her other books several times. My inner damsel in distress still yearns for him to come sweep me off my feet and just do it all for me when it comes to making money and providing. No matter how many books I read to talk myself out of this and no matter how much I learn about investing and take major actions towards financial freedom and independence, I have a really pretty inner hanky-dropping eyelash batting über-feminine self who is ready and willing to be cared for. (Side note here: I do want to be clear that I’m building residual income, investing, saving, and taking all the steps around being my own Prince Charming despite this little part of me that yearns to be cared for.)

Yes, I know this is all biological. It’s really only been a nano-second in recorded history that women are at all capable of being their own providers. When my grandfather died just barely over thirty years ago, my grandmother wasn’t even able to take a loan out in her own name. Women have only been considered worthy citizens with valid opinions (ie, allowed to vote) for the past ninety-one years. My mom wasn’t able to attend Dartmouth, her dream school, for her undergrad degree because when she was eighteen they weren’t accepting women. Biologically speaking, women have evolved to look for men who will take care of them and their kids. Its all based on procreation and keeping our species going, I suppose.

So what is a twenty-seven year old woman like myself who consciously and intellectually knows she is more than capable of taking care of herself to do with this desire to be provided for? Do I only date men who make six figures? Do I act a little less capable than I am to allow the space for men to be in their masculine and take care of me? Do I practice “egg wisdom” and sit around and do nothing and simply attract more often?

The truth is it feels good to be taken out to dinner. I love knowing I can surrender into the capable hands of a guy who will make a reservation, hail a cab, know the directions, open the door, escort me into a room with his hand at the small of my back, order for me, and get me home safe and sound. The truth is I make decisions all day long in my business. I lead. I decide. I take care of. I hold space. I love doing all these things. And I love having them all done for me. The truth is I have a financial plan and it doesn’t have a “y” chromosome. And the truth is I still want to be taken care of. I think (and hope and pray) that I get to have both.

Do you want to be provided for?

Is there a part of you that is waiting for your Prince Charming?

What do you think about the traditional masculine and feminine roles and how they play out in modern relationships?

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63 comments

  • It’s definitely something I’ve been challenged by for years. Even now that I’m married I notice when I pull back and find myself waiting…to be taken care of, cherished, provided for…all of it. Like you, I do all that for others all day long in my business, and even though it’s a strong, natural part of me, I long for the surrender.

    Thing is, I think the masculine/feminine roles of the past 50 years have left us all confused. Men are in no better state than we are!

    When I shift my focus from the roles to simply being with my husband, our relationship transforms. The challenge is now to choose that more and more frequently. I guess it’s time to develop a new practice/habit.

    Thanks Kate for a thoughtful and thought provoking post.

    Sandi

    • Kate

      Thanks for reminding me to get out of my head, Sandi. What you said about shifting your focus fro the roles to simply being with your husband really resonates with me. At the end of the day it’s all about being here now, isn’t it? Thanks for your comment.

  • shilpa

    Great post Kate.
    You mention that “It’s really only been a nano-second in recorded history that women are at all capable of being their own providers.” That’s probably really the case in the Western world or in major cities in other parts of the world.

    I think the challenge for me is in finding the balance between doing and allowing in a romantic relationship and even in platonic male- female relationships. I do think it’s a different balance for each individual and for each relationship.

    I think we all need to be fiscally responsible and be able to take care of ourselves if we have to, while keeping enough space available to have a partner join in our journey and sometimes lead in some parts.

    thanks for posting.

    • Kate

      Thanks for your comment Shilpa. That balance between doing and allowing is most likely something we’ll be working on and playing with our whole lives. Thanks for being party of the conversation.

  • Rachel Northrup

    You said a mouth full there sister!
    Yep I have a comment that I LOVE that you brought this part of yourself out to play and didn’t shuffle back under the bed or carpet. I definitely find myself attracted to provided even though I pride myself on being independent and financially I know I need to be independent to attract my right man but it does beg the question why the attraction to the provider when we are capable and desire to do it ourselves. You know I love the androgynous piece as well I love that as a women I can wear pants or a dress and I love when men can embody the feminine and rock there Tarzan. Both energies are so beautiful and even better together and providers can come from both now-a-days which is so cool. Here’s my desire to be in equal conscious partnership and to be able to be provided for when I want and need it and likewise give this gift to my man too* Also I see myself and my partner being aware of the social scripts and consciously deciding to play dress up or to jump into the roles for fun or support and communicate about our experience. Yes I’m going to quote Sex in the City 2 the movie I love when Carrie talks about how every couple gets to make their own rules…. Kate I know you can have both and with communication I see a new dawn for financial responsibility and love ourselves and our partner’s in a way that is balanced and expansive… ahh so refreshing thank you for being brave enough to share this topic

    • Kate

      Thanks cuz! I love your comments. I really do. I think you’re right. Our generation is re-defining what partnership looks like. I love your articulation of consciously embodying different roles and weaving in and out of the masculine and feminine as we wish…being there to support and be supported. Everyone gets to make their own rules. So true!

  • Jane

    I wonder if Sandi, Shilpa, Kate or Rachel have children (yet). I understand what you’re saying Kate and things didn’t change for me after marriage, but they did after having children. When our children were babies, we had to adjust to the added responsibility and the day to day many needs of the child. This created a great “power” struggle, he wanted to keep working hard outside the home developing his career, mine somehow became less important. Of course, it was NOT less important, and especially not to me, but the tension and pressure between the couple builds as the compromises add up! That’s where the traditional roles come into play, depending on your partner’s attitude toward the domestic chores. My advice, if none of you have children yet, be very clear in your own mind what your partner’s attitude is toward “sharing the load”. I believe it should be 50/50, most men will not agree. Also, be clear about family life. During the preschool and primary school years there is alot of family time together, soccer, hockey, swimming and music lessons, this all takes time and energy away from your financial pursuits. Do you both value this time with your children equally, is it important to you to have both parents there for the child in their own activities. Before children, financial independence is a breeze, after children the challenges begin!! Thank you Kate for a thought provoking topic.

    • Kate

      Great advice, Jane, I don’t have kids and neither do Rachel or Shilpa. It’s such a good point to be clear ahead of time. That’s what dating is for, no? I’m definitely becoming an expert in that so hopefully I’ll be able to get pretty clear before having kids :)

      • Kate

        @Kate, Shilpa makes a good point, that the supposed inability of women to provide for themselves is primarily a Western/urban concept. I would add to that that despite these notions, western working class women have always had to find ways to provide, with or without the approval of society.

  • Kate I love this post. I think as independent women we all struggle with the idea of provider vs providing for ourselves. I guess in my yoga teacher way- its all in the balance. Too much one way or the other I realized won’t work for me. As a woman, always want to be “taken care of” but also like my independence and freedom and realize that if I don’t do “it” for myself, sadly we really can’t count on anyone else. Its just a BONUS if we are able to!

    • Kate

      So true. It seems that the best idea is to take care of ourselves and praise the moments when we have support and can lean in to the soft spots. Thanks Tracy!

  • Hey Kate,

    I’m sure this isn’t a new idea to you, but I hope you are working on writing a book. You have a brilliant knack for expressing yourself in a beautiful way.
    Regards,
    Lori

  • I so love this line of questioning, and I think it’s such an important place to be pondering in preparation for attracting and making a life with one’s beloved. I didn’t even begin to consider these things until well after my divorce and several years into my second marriage (as in, just a few years ago!). My money ‘stuff’ had always been a mess, calling me to look into it! But I was really great at sweeping that under the rug. There was an underlying frustration at not being taken care of that made no sense…. until I realized I was not allowing it! The first person to wake me up to this notion was the author David Deida…. and I love all his work. I’m specifically thinking about the book ‘Intimate Communion’ where he talks about the 50/50 relationship, which is what’s been modeled for those of us who grew up since the 60’s as a great thing. But, not so much (I’ll leave the details to him, and highly recommend the book). It can be challenging to release a lifetime of that conditioning… but OH so worth it! Hooray for you asking these great questions and sharing them openly for others to consider and reflect as well! Thanks, as always.

    • Kate

      They say the quality of your life is based on the quality of your questions, right? Thanks for answering mine Maddy ;)

  • What is popping up in my head is how reluctant I was to get a cleaning service. My husband approached me with the idea and made the following case: 1) we are a DINC household (dual income no children) and we have the money 2) my new commute is an hour each way to work 3)and we both have extra curricular activities in the evenings 4)our free time together is really valuable

    I knew logically that a cleaning service was a great idea. No more scrubbing toilets on the weekend! But it was SO HARD for me to agree to it because part of me was feeling like some of my womanly roles were being taken away. It was like I couldn’t give up the ideal of being an awesome career woman who is also the amazing homemaker.

    Really? Washing floors and scrubbing the toilet somehow was making me feel like more of a woman? Sometimes I am so weird.

    All that has passed and I am *loving* the cleaning service. Besides, now I can use that extra time to bake a cake or darn socks :)

    • Giuliana

      @Katie Hart,
      I think is so weird sometimes to hear American born women having guilty feelings about hiring cleaning services and full time nannies to help them in their household chores, like if doing that is going to make you less of a woman…… In latin America is very normal to have crews to help, even though a lot of women are stay at home mothers. If you have the money, do it…and then you’ll have time and energy to dedicate to going to taking care of yourself as a delicious woman you are and share that joy with your partner. Why do women have that “SUPER WOMAN” complex..that we should do everything to perfection 24/7…maybe that’s why a lot of people have to pop pills to make them feel better….. and try to cope with a crazy life!!!!!

    • Kate

      It’s so interesting where our resistance comes up, isn’t it? Sometimes in the oddest of places. Thanks so much for sharing your experience and I’m glad you’ve freed up your time for baking and darning :)

  • Joy Riddle

    Kate,
    I guess I am one of the fortunate ones! I had the blessings of having not a prince charming but my King Arthur who rescued me from an abusive relationship and then proceeded to enforce a strong sense of confidence in me for the next 20 years, all while he was “taking care” of me. It has been almost 8 years (in August) since he has crossed over to the spiritual world and I am pleased to say, I am still single and experiencing a life of joy, peace and lots of love from family and friends, all due to his belief in me that I could take care of myself, even when I did not have the same belief. Now it is not a Prince Charming I expect to come into my life but instead a companion who compliments me, shares the joys of life with me and becomes my “dancing partner”. We will take care of each other because we love the giving and receiving of such a blessed relationship. I am in hopes that you are fortunate to come across such a partner in your life.

  • Oh my gosh, Kate…..your writing moves the deepest parts of my soul! I have to say I honor the perfect self expression of all parts of yourself…I also have to say that I adore each & every one of them.

    I, too, feel very capable of “taking care of myself” & at the same time there is this deep (cellular I suppose) longing to feel supported, taken care of & able to lean into my man.

    I am in great appreciation that you have inspired me to do alittle “prince charming soul searchin”.

    With deep appreciation & admiration xoxoxo Melanie

    • Kate

      I’m so glad you feel inspired Melanie. Witnessing your journey with men and relationship has been an inspiration to me, so I’m glad we can keep feeding one another in the soul searching arena!

  • Cat

    What a great topic!
    I grew up with lots of financial support, which later became more controlling than freeing. I’m thoroughly grateful for everything I’ve been given, but because of this my financial education was severely delayed.
    When I had to move in with my Honey-Bear earlier than planned (rental insanity), he welcomed me rent-free because I wasn’t working at the time. This gave me an amazing opportunity to help The Best Boyfriend in the World learn to improve his financial life. I’ve used my long-practiced-self-taught frugality to help him reduce unnecessary spending, and now that we’ve moved into a new condo, we’re actively planning our financial life together. It’s enlightening, exciting and makes me feel like I’m actually a grown-up!

    Cha-ching!
    [email protected]

  • Maya Hazan

    Kate, you are such a captivating writer! I think it’s great that you want to be swept off your feet and taken care of! When a woman is independent and smart like you, this is when the magic happens!
    I’ve recently reversed the roles in the family dynamics with my husband and I feel so much better already. I used to pay all the bills, take care of three children, look for tenants for our properties, work and plan everything that was happening in our lives – I guess it made me feel independent and strong. But I never realized the amount of emotional suffering and frustration that was building up inside of me over the years. The most innate desire of a woman is to be able to lean on a strong and competent man, who’d be able to waltz her around the dance floor. As I am sitting here in my room now, my husband is finally writing the checks to pay the bills (it made him feel so much better about himself); he spends countless hours playing with the kids, takes me out places and makes suggestions about where to go and what to eat. I finally feel like a woman after all these years.

    • Kate

      This is quite a beautiful realization Maya. I’m glad you’ve shifted the balance and you’re feeling happier.

  • Rosa Mae

    The questions…profound! I would love to be provided for but I also enjoy taking care of myself. I think my desire to be provided for by a man comes from not having any positive loving nurturing relationships with men through my childhood. I also have a very strong masculine side that has attracted men who love my “get it done” nature…to the point, that they just move out the way and become paralyzed. LOL So yes I would love to be provided for but only if the man I’m with can deal with my strong masculine side and be open to nurturing my feminine side. :0)

    Another factor is trust…I’m really not sure I’m able to trust a man to provide for me in totality! If I’m given that opportunity…I will certainly attempt to do so.

    • Kate

      Rock that masculine side, Rosa Mae. As a woman who has a strong inner masculine, I can see how well it serves me and it’s so great to be able to be all of who we are!

  • I do think it’s one natural inclination for the woman to want to surrender to the care of a man. And although I’m financially independent, and even more of a provider than my fiance, I wouldn’t mind the relief that comes from having someone else take the reins once in a while. I’ve learned to enjoy it where it happens. Like if he can dig the hole in the garden for the new flowers, even though I can do it, I’ll let him. Or if he wants to carry something heavy that I’m perfectly capable of carrying myself, I let him. So while the financial support isn’t there, there’s still some surrender and some relief.
    This way, I have my independence and the confidence and freedoms that brings, but I still get to be girly once in awhile.

    • Kate

      This is so great, Liz. I love that you are noticing all the ways that your guy takes the reigns and enjoying them. So brilliant of you!

  • Eryka

    Kate,
    Such a juicy question! And a fantastic topic for dialogue.

    As a strong, independent woman who takes pride in her ability to take care of herself, I think it’s so important for women (men too, but especially women, given the historical context you so brilliantly noted) to KNOW that they have the power to take care of themselves, and to actually be able to do it.

    At the same time, receiving from another–whether it’s a significant other, a parent, a sibling, whatever–allows us to practice such important things. It allows us to practice surrender. It allows us to experience the joy of receiving and give someone ELSE the ability to give. It allows us to relax, even for just a moment, and know that we’re cared for. That someone cares enough about us to take care of something, whether it’s a restaurant reservation, a plane ticket, someone holding us when something bad happens.

    My mom used to say that she wanted a man to take care of her, and I used to be shocked, stunned, appalled. My feminist mom, who raised me to be a feminist and girl-empowerer, saying she wanted to be taken care of by a man? For the longest, I was judgmental. Didn’t get it. But then I grew up and started taking care of myself, and it can be exhausting. Exhilarating, but also exhausting.

    I don’t need or want someone to take care of me. But I would vastly prefer someone who COULD, if the situation warranted it. And the converse is true, too. I don’t want to support a grown man. But I’d be really, really proud of the fact that I could!

    • Kate

      Ain’t it the truth? We don’t need someone to do it for us, but it feels could to know he could. I totally feel you on the feminist mom piece. Aaaaah, what a journey!

  • Debbie

    I remember reading something recently that said at some point a woman becomes her own father…meanning when you were young your father would watch who you dated, check him out, maybe question him a bit and then tell him when you are expected home. He set an expectation for the boy. Now, we have to do that ourselves. Set an expectation for the man. Don’t just go into a relationship blindly. Know what you want and stick to your standards. I don’t want Prince Charming but I do want someone to be my partner. I need someone who will talk through the challenging times and still be holding my hand at the other end.

    • Kate

      I love the idea of eventually becoming our own father and setting appropriate boundaries and expectations. This is a great piece to the puzzle. Here’s to true partnership and caring for ourselves and others!

  • Love your post, Kate. I married Prince Charming 29 years ago. It turned out, we’ve both worked our butts off all these years, building a good life for ourselves and our chlldren, saving money for retirement. But always, in the back of my mind, I’ve had this little piece of knowledge that if I ever quit, Mark would take care of me. I have to admit that I like knowing that. Mark hasn’t rescued me in the past, but it’s good knowing that I could rely on him to do it in the future if I needed that. Meanwhile, a few years ago, he quit his job and went through a period of unemployment and I gave him the space to take that time to do what he wanted. So I guess we’re there to rescue each other. Maybe that’s the best kind of Prince(ess) Charming – the one you married and the one you are yourself.

    • Kate

      Oh Karen, reading your comment warms my heart in the most delicious way. Its so inspiring to me to hear the stories of women who are powerful and successful like you, who have also partnered with powerful, successful men. Fodder for another post methinks :)

  • Rachel

    This has really been coming up for me lately…and I have finally decided to be oK with the idea of wanting a man to provide for me.
    Thanks Kate for your echoing sentiments and ‘putting it out there’ – in a way that makes it OK too.

  • Jennifer

    This is great. I’m so happy I read this.

    I am one of those women, yes, I can provide for myself, I can make good decisions for myself. I’ve been doing just that for the last 10 yrs. When I was in my ’20s, I was fine with working all the time, even working two jobs if I needed to. But now, at 37, I really, REALLY wish I had someone that I could look at one day and say, “Honey, I’m tired, you do it for a while.” Yes, I would LOVE to be provided for.

    • Kate

      Thanks Jennifer. It’s interesting how our desires shift over time, isn’t it? Thanks so much for your comment.

  • Sue

    I know with me, I’ve always had decent paying jobs and seemed to attract the men that figured I had a good job so they didn’t need one. I got used to buying my own birthday presents (from them), buying mine (and usually his too) drinks, dinner, movies, etc. I’ve always been the provider when it comes to men. Even just recently this happened. I’m 40 years old and I’m tired of always being “the strong one.”

    I have to admit that I secretly like the nurturing woman/providing man rolls. Not all the time…that wouldn’t be fair and let’s face it…it’d probably drive me crazy if I couldn’t contribute somehow, especially financially, to a relationship.

    I’m just saying that sometimes it’d be nice to have a guy buy ME dinner for once, and wrap his big arms around me, making me feel that everything would be ok. I, in turn, would love to be able to be able to provide nurturing and comforting feelings towards him. Nowadays, that is deemed “old fashioned” or “outdated.”

    I think we spend so much time trying to be self-sufficent that we forget the simple things. Like being treated like a lady and acting like a lady.

    But that’s just my opinion.

    • Kate

      Thanks for your thoughts on this Sue. I really appreciate you sharing your desire to sometimes take on a more traditional, nurturing role. Old fashioned or not, sometimes it just feels good.

  • What a fantastic blog entry/article! Extremely insightful, thoughtful and well written! I’ll be following AuthentiKate from now on with enjoyment!
    It’s so great to hear from a younger woman who is not ashamed of or angry about being feminine and being treated – at least occasionally – like a ‘lady’. (I’ll probably get in ‘trouble’ for that one but that’s my perception of your generation – as a whole… and I stand on the 1st amendment! ;-)
    Of course it’s essential that we as women know that we can provide for ourselves but men… ah, men!:-)
    They provide. But what they provide doesn’t necessarily have to be financial support or anything material at all. A good man provides in so many wonderful, intangible, fulfilling ways things that we enjoy and possible even need at that level of biological cellular memory, or feminine collective unconscious. The animus to my anima…..
    Who needs prince charming anyway?
    I’ll take a good solid, self-aware man who is comfortable in his own skin, has at least a modestly evolved brain and is willing to engage in the dance!

    • Kate

      Oh Robin, thanks for your comment! “I’ll take a good solid, self-aware man who is comfortable in his own skin, has at least a modestly evolved brain and is willing to engage in the dance!” Me too!

  • I believe you can have it all because I do. When I met my husband 14 years ago I was doing great in my career, he was not. He was/is much more than his income, a true gentleman. It was tough when I was making more, not because he was intimidated by my success – far from it, he encouraged it and got off on it – but because I wanted him to make more. Because I wanted to be provide for. Now, after all these years we have balance, we both earn our keep and like it that way. If a fantasy could be a reality, I’d say I found my prince charming! If your intention is to find your prince charming you will, just know that it will take a lot of work to make it work!

    • Kate

      Thanks Marta. I see how important it is to bob and weave with the ebb and flow of relationship. Sometimes he might make more, sometimes I might make more. But it’s true that there’s so much more to relationship than that. So glad you’re so thrilled with your guy!

  • Mara

    I have to be totally honest and say that I don’t relate to the “wanting Prince Charming to come and take care of me” thing at all. Maybe it’s because I’m a lesbian and I was raised largely in a single-parent family (my parents divorced when I was 4 and my mother got custody). Maybe because the reality of my life never did include a Prince Charming or a doting father, I never could quite suspend my disbelief when I read those fairy tales about Prince Charming coming along and saving the day.

    Whatever the cause, I knew from an early age–and still know–that the only person who can rescue me is ME, and that I’m the one who’s going to have to provide for my long-term financial, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. This concept doesn’t make me wistful and angst-ridden: it’s just reality.

    That’s not to say I don’t want a partner to share my life with, but I want an equal, not a rescuer or caretaker or “sugar mama.” Yes, I do have fantasies of being doted on, but I also have fantasies of doting on someone else. I have found myself attracting women who want that rescuer/Princess Charming in their lives, and I don’t want to be that person, either.

    The fact of the matter is that the “Prince Charming/Princess Charming” fantasy hurts both the rescuer and the rescuee.

    • Kate

      I agree, Mara. The wanting a “rescuer” is definitely a slippery slope. I so appreciate you adding your thoughts to the mix here. I think the key here is knowing that successful partnership comes both from being a great receiver AND a great giver. Thanks for your comments.

  • KK Martin

    Loved the Blog! I was one of those women sought out by a Y that was strong and successful.
    The underlying reason he pursued me. After 17 years he left me for a women he said “Had more money than me”. This concept was very confusing to me??? It took me time to be proud that I could take care of me. The path to happiness was not weather a man or a women could provide material things. It became truth to me that the underlying reason for the relationship if was about the financial aspects that when that aspect was gone the relationship too would go. Women can take care of themselves. But the ironic thing is I have a man now that makes more money than me! It is amazing. I got the life my ex went in search of. Karma…I love having someone that can take care of me as I do him :)

  • I love that I found my Prince Chamring. While I am perfectly capable of providing for myself and being alone, I love being taken care of. I didn’t realize quite how “old fashioned” my values were until I met him. He is the perfect gentlemen, even after 11 years of marriage. While our marriage may not work for some, it is wonderful for us. He fills the traditional place of the man in our relationship. He works and provides for us. I have my role in the home, although I do run the office side of business as well. We make joint decisions. We have the most wonderful conversations. We have wonderful silence. We enjoy each other’s company.

    • Kate

      It’s so true that what works for some may not work for others. My mom always has said, “For ever pot there is a lid,” and thank goodness we’re all not looking for the same thing. Your perfection may look “old fashioned” to some, but I love that you love your life. Thanks so much for your comment.

  • Franklincm

    Wow…THANKS for putting this out there. I am “newly” single after 26 yrs of marriage, and while I have a GREAT career, incredible abundance and (just now) really enjoy being by myself (a very new thing), I find that I still want to be “taken care of”. I attributed it to “weakness” or a lifetime of hearing that we are supposed to be taken care of….but it’s much more than that. In reading some of the other responses here as well as your article it helps me feel that it’s NOT weakness…but the desire to receive that which you want to give to someone. Totally changed my perspective….a real lightbulb over the head moment. And I’m reminded that in the right relationship you don’t have to give those strengths up…even when they are more masculine. A renewed sense of anticipation is born. :)

    • Kate

      Yay for the light bulb moment! I so agree that a strong ability to receive is not a weakness, but a strength. After all, if there were no receivers in the world where would we be able to channel all our generosity. Way to own how you’re truly feeling!

  • Misti

    I have never really thought about that, atleast not consciously anyway, I guess because my career is not off the ground yet(and it’s killing me!). I’m a stay at home mom and my husband provides. I was set up for a music career, and then we unexpectedly got pregnant with our son who is now 10, so it’s kinda always just been this way. All I can say is, good balance! This is a great view I will adopt as my own now because it makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for spelling that one out!:)
    Actually, this is such perfect timing for me because I’m in the middle of Lauren Mackler’s very excellent book Solemate. I’m tired of this subconscious desire to have “a man do it for me”! So I guess I actually have thought about it a lot!
    I hope to find myself in a financially powerful position through my music and on my own terms soon. You are a great example of what can be done. I would love to have that option to know I can provide and then have the luxury of knowing I’m simply allowing a man to take care of me because its fun, and not just for survival.

    • Kate

      I’ll definitely check out Lauren Mackler’s book Solemate. Sounds right up my ally. Thanks for the comment!

  • Hi Beautiful Kate,

    I just wanted to say how much I LOVE your blog and I love you. That’s all I got :) xo M

    • Kate

      @Marie, Thanks mama! Thanks for recommending I respond to all my comments. It turns out it makes me feel good an really, what else is there? I love you too! xoxo

  • Wendy

    Kate,

    Awesome post! Perfectly timed for my life at the moment! :-)

    It reminded me of a conversation I had as a 16 year old with my 40-something happily married male neighbor. We debated/discussed the “traditional” roles of men and women in relationships, work loads, duties, etc..

    His main point at the time was that women tended to want things to be “equal” in a relationship– 50/50 on all things.

    That conversation shifted into an equal vs. balanced discussion. Is everything best to be split/done 50/50? Are some things better to be done 30/70? Can balance take the place of “traditional” roles/jobs/duties and can things shift with clear communication, respect, etc. over the time of a relationship?

    I don’t have the answers, but I know what I will find and create in a relationship!

    Yes, being a female with a strong masculine side- and having been a Navy brat when Dad wasn’t home to do “stuff”…. the self reliance and independence is incredibly strong. I’ve learned, more recently; however, to temper it with gratitude when anyone (male/female) steps up to help a bit.

    Patience with the learning and continuous reflection help quite a bit I’ve found :-)

    Peace.

  • This is so true. I think you have just echoed the view of millions of capable women out there. We just want a prince we can be so proud of who will protect and provide for us. Unfortunately, if we stay fixated on this view we will most probably be bitterly disappointed.

  • Great post. Thank you so much for the share.

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