How to help the world help you

No one is ever going to read your mind. At least not really.

There are things that matter. There are hills worth dying on. There are things we really, really want.

But what happens is we doubt our wants.

We ask one time and we get a no, so we never ask again. We avoid disappointment.

When we spend our lives avoiding disappointment, though, we also miss out on satisfaction.

We second-guess our desires. We question whether or not we deserve what we want. We don’t know how we’re going to get it, so we stop wanting it. We don’t want to put someone out so we don’t ask. 

We begin to resent. We think that they should know what we want.

But here’s the truth:

twitter_standingNo one will ever know what you really want unless you tell them.

If you don’t tell people what you want, they can’t give it to you.

If you want to be pleased, tell people how they can please you.

If you want something, ask for it. 
Be specific.
Be courageous.

Sometimes you’ll be disappointed when you ask, but less often than if you don’t ask.

No doesn’t hurt as bad as you may think. Because there’s always another way. Or something else. Or someone else.

But yes feels really good. And so does helping someone make you happy.

If you want something, it’s your job to say so.

Help the people in your life win with you.

Become easy to be pleased by being clear about what pleases you.

Support others in making you happy by telling them how.

They will thank you. You will thank them. The world will be a better place.

Do you find it easy to ask for what you want? Do you find it difficult? Why or why not?


  • THANK YOU KATE. As a recovering people pleaser I have gotten lost in the shuffle of everyone else’s desires. Finally, FINALLY (welling up with tears) I am learning to say what it is that I want and to know that when I do this, all is well.

  • I cannot tell you how on par with where I am in my life this is. You say no one can read your mind, well, literally, you just did. I’ve spent a very long time being open with others and sharing with them what’s on my heart and what’s important to me. All this time I’ve been assuming that my intentions would be known by them — to have a mutually open friendship, sharing what’s important to each of us, and growing together — but I’ve found the opposite to be true. When I asked them to be more open, to say I was interested in them, they shared that it was hard and scary for them to be open. They have said they would try, but it would be hard. I never imagined them not being open was because of fears they had! So I am learning to be more vocal about what I want in order to be closer to people.

  • Ann

    Really,really like this blog~ the idea of helping someone to please you so you can have what you desire(a little MamaGina here:) Communicate ~it will be good for the Thyroid Gland and the rest of the body a heck of a good reason to ask for what pleases you!!

  • Lu

    HI Kate, A pleasure to receive your posts.
    How to get across what I want to say. Im wondering If the strategy of “Human Design” would
    be successful in getting the flow going… or not
    There is a fellow John Martin from HumanDesignHawaii I enjoy and who is passionate about the work. And hopefully he would have insight you guys could use? Or maybe someone has better recommendation who knows the “science”.
    I would love it if it helped everyone.
    I just thought I would take the chance and put it out there.
    This is one (of many) reasons why I believe I cannot connect energetically and manifest by will alone. blessings and peace beautiful people.

  • Kate, yes! And also the flip side, I strive to be committed to saying no when someone asks me to do something or be something if it’s just not going to work for me. If we could all ask for what we need and know that people would be honest and open in response? Oh my…what a world.

  • It took me years of feeling disappointed by situations, gifts, relationships,… To realize that perhaps the issue was my having neglected to clearly spell out what it was I wanted. I’m less disappointed in recent years, only because I’ve lowered my expectations.

    Well, it’s now taken me a good many years to get to the next piece of that puzzle: Not too long ago, I had a forehead slapping moment, to notice that I wasn’t allowing myself to want what I wanted. Seems ludicrous when stated like that, but whatever messages I picked up on growing up, wanting something became a no-no in my brain.

    So now I’m learning to savour the want, and then taking baby steps to say them out loud and feel comfortable about it. And yes, you’re right, Kate, it may take a bit of courage, but the rewards can be glorious and surprising!

  • Oh so YES!

    Recognizing + honoring our desires is the first step…

    And communicating our desires is absolutely essential to happy relationships + lives.

    Thank you for sharing these truths in your unique + eloquent way, Kate.

    So lovely.

    So appreciated.



  • Such a great message! Thank you Kate! I am being braver about asking for what I need more and more. Shedding my ego….prickly! I am on a real journey around courage and showing up to living my best life and I am learning that that certainly requires getting clear on what I want first and then of course asking for it! Asking both the Universe and of course asking those around me for what I need. I LOVED your words “help the people in your life win with you” – GOLD!

  • Such a great reminder!!! As per usual, this was just what I needed to hear.

    Every time I have practiced this in the past it has been extraordinarily successful, but sometimes I fall back on the runaround that’s happening in my mind – worry, fear, or doubt. But I have to remember it’s not only amazing for me to be clear, ask and most often receive, it’s also a huge gift for the person I’m communicating with.

    YES! Thank you. xoxo

  • So beautifully said! I LOVE this Kate. It’s everything that I’ve been attempting to learn in the past few years. But so important to have reminders. I think I’ll print this out and hang it on the wall next to my work space.

  • Great post Kate! I was just thinking how hard it is for so many of us to ask what we want and it made me think of customers. If you own a business you should assume that your customers aren’t asking for what they want and, more importantly, not assume that you know what they want. So, just as we need to ask for ourselves – we need to help others by asking what we can do for them.

    • Kate

      That is SUCH a great point Lisa-Marie. And if we ask others in our life what they want (personally and professionally) all of our relationships thrive!

  • Tell them what you want, or make them want the same… try.

  • It depends what it is. If it is an area in life that I am confident in, it is easy! (Fitness) The struggle comes up when it is an area I am not as sure of myself in. Things I am a little more vulnerable about. That is a great aha moment for me. Those are the areas I have the opportunity to grow in.

  • Lori

    I am just learning this skill. I’ve always put my family’s wants an needs first adding co-dependency on top of that and I completely lost myself. So now I’m learning who I am and what I want. It has beenis very hard to ask for what I want. But it is getting easier.

  • laura

    Sometimes I do not say what I want, because sometimes people use that information to punish or hurt you. My daughter’s father can be quite emotionally abusive. If I tell him what I want, I know what he will try to keep from me in order to hurt me when he is angry.

    • Kate

      Laura – I’m so sorry that’s been your experience. You can certainly find a few safe people to tell what you want and then over time, expand that community so that your life is filled with only those people.

  • Placido

    Congratulations Kate,

    It´s amazing, you really wroten about a matter that many people doesn´t know and if know don´t practice. Anyone can know what you want unless if you say it. The answer can be negative, but you make your part. You got a chance to you be happy. Ask for what you want and be happy. The no is garanted but the yes can happen too. Great job Kate.

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