21 years ago this past Saturday, I held my 1-year-old half-sibling in my arms for the first time at my older sister’s college graduation.

I’m writing this on a plane home from having just watched that same human, who it seems just a moment ago was so tiny, receive their own college diploma.

Time has this tricky, magical way of accordioning itself.

21 years ago I was also holding resentment.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but my resentments were blocking me from being available for many of the things I desired to come into my life (financial and otherwise).

Our family’s not the only one who’s been through quite a bit over the years.

Divorce, addiction, massive political division, secrecy, mental illness, shifting identities, loss, health crises, and more.

A few months ago, I asked my coach/therapist, Anne, about forgiveness.

I told her it’s something I wanted to work on.

I’d recently texted my best friend something about my family that was really hard for me to digest and her response was “lol”.

It was so refreshingly detached and sane! I did, in fact, laugh out loud when I read her message.

And in that moment, I knew I wanted to find it in me to respond to the eccentricities and vagaries of the people I’ve known and loved the longest with my own brand of compassion and lightness.

I was ready to let down the heaviness of it all, having to mean so much.

I wanted to have the capacity to just let them be precisely who they are, even if some of their choices are confusing to me and some of their beliefs are leagues away from my view of reality.

I wanted to put down the burdens of whatever resentments I was still holding.

What Anne said surprised me.

She told me that forgiveness is a verb, not a noun.

Every time someone does or says something that activates us emotionally, we get to make a choice to respond from the wound or from our wisdom.

I know enough from working with her in some capacity for over a decade that my ability to make the choice to respond from my wisdom depends on the state of my nervous system.

If I’m dysregulated and my stress bucket is already full, I’ll respond as my hurt 12-year-old self instead of my way healthier adult self.

But if I’m relatively regulated, I’ve got way more space for the people I love to be who they are, and for myself to do the same.

Anne helped me realize that I’ve been forgiving for years, possibly even decades.

Every time I open my heart. Every time I decide to set myself and someone else free by releasing my grip on the past. Every time I let myself and others be human.

This past weekend at our third intertwining multi-generational family graduation in 21 years, I had so much space for the people I love to simply be exactly who they are.

I had so much love in my heart for our blended, mended family exactly the way it is.

I genuinely had the best time. No faking it. Just pure love.

And I’m reporting it as a miracle – a true shift in perception.

The details and circumstances haven’t changed. But the people living them have.

Anyone who says people don’t change is wrong.

As long as we’re here, we can always give ourselves space to make a new choice. Our wise self is always available- somewhere in here.

And when we do? We open up untold avenues for the flow of love and synchronicity in our lives that simply are not possible when we’re holding onto our resentment.

If I could go back in time and whisper something in the ear of the 19-year-old girl, holding the newest member of her family in her arms, here’s what I’d say:

I promise you, everything’s gonna be ok in the end (in fact, even by the middle it’s gonna be pretty darn beautiful!). I know you’re strong, but as you hold on tight to that baby, put down the resentment. Everything that’s happened and everything that will happen – It’s all just an opening for more love. Let it in, sweet girl. Set down what’s heavy and let the love in.

Xo,
Kate